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Listening To Our Kids

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 09:37:38 GMT

I don’t know about you, but when my teenage daughter starts getting emotional, I start praying for the Second Coming.

One night she was very anxious about a test the next morning. She is a straight A student and worries a lot about her grades. She was making an A+ in this particular class and had been studying very regularly for the test. However, she was in tears that she might fail the test, which in her mind is anything below an A.

As she was crying, I was thinking, “Are you kidding – you’re a straight A student? It’s just a stupid test and you’ll probably ace it anyway. C’mon. This is, like, so Junior High. Just snap out of it, will ya?”

She could tell I wasn’t listening. She could also sense what I was thinking by the look on my face. That not only made her pull away from me, it now added shame to her feelings of anxiety.

How do you think God listens to us?

Do you think God really listens to our prayers, or do you think He skims them the way we skim blogs, listening for the big ideas? “Okay, what do we have today - ‘new job, ‘need patience, ‘lust control’ - I got it.” When David fumed about how much he hated his enemies, did his honest emotions make God uncomfortable? Do you suppose the Lord was thinking, “David, asking me to crush someone’s skull is not a very nice thing to say, so stop it.”

I think God wants to hear all our honest emotions. I really think He listens not only to what we pray, but to the emotions behind what we pray. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, John tells us that He saw the tears of his sisters and responded to their pain. The text tells us simply, “Jesus wept.”

What’s astounding to me about that passage is that Jesus knew He would be resurrecting Lazarus in a matter of minutes, but He still identified with their feelings. He didn’t say, “Ladies, believe in my sovereignty,” or “Stop your crying and trust Me,” or “Now, now, everything’s going to be okay.” He cried because they were sad.

He wasn’t reacting – raising Lazarus was part of His original plan; it’s why He waited until Lazarus was dead before He returned. He wasn’t manipulated – the sisters’ grief was genuine sadness and even anger at His tardiness. Rather, Jesus was attentive to their words and tears. He listened to their emotions and was moved.

I want to become a man like that toward my daughters, my son and my wife.

M. Scott Peck in his best-selling classic, The Road Less Traveled, said that the greatest way we can show love to others is by listening to them. John Gottman amplifies that thought in his book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. He says that our kids pick up our values the most when they see how we tend to them when they are experiencing their worst emotions: anger, fear, anxiety and sadness.

I would put it another way. Our kids develop their view of God by how we attend to them when they are emotionally vulnerable. Their understanding of the gospel is largely shaped by their experience of the gospel through us. We show our kids what God is like by how we listen to them.

When my daughter gets emotional now I find myself not praying for the Second Coming, but for Jesus’ example of listening to become real in me.

Students Are Like Concrete

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:19:14 GMT

Concrete is cool stuff. It holds up buildings, it holds up bridges, it holds up houses and you can write your name in it. When my friend Dave and I put a support beam in my basement I learned a lot about concrete. First, it’s heavy – I hauled 90 sixty-pound bags down the stairs. Second, concrete won’t harden properly if it’s too soupy or too dry. So, until you use it, you need to monitor it and add a little water or a little concrete, and you have to keep mixing. Lastly, you have to work fast, because once you stop mixing, the hardening process begins.

Working with students is just like working with concrete.

No, not that they can be blockheads sometimes, but that their views and values, which they will carry into adulthood, will start to harden from age 18-25. There are four states in the “hardening process” of how our students view God and life that we need to monitor if we want them to develop a strong identity.

The critical work required of our students' in order to solidify their views and values properlyfrom 16 - 25 is that they engage in reflective thinking and making commitments as to what they believe and how they will live. We can play a huge role in facilitating their growth in this process by simply asking what they think, listening and processing their thoughts with them.

The Four D's of the Hardening Process*

•DECIDED - This person is like hardened concrete. The number of students in this state at age 18 who have worked out what they believe on all the big issues is very rare. However, there may be several foundational beliefs (salvation, who is Jesus, etc.) that they have thought about, reflected on and become personally convinced of themselves.

What does this student need? Ask them what they think: “You seem pretty convinced of __________. Why do you believe that?” As they describe their process of thinking, doubting, studying scripture and then coming to a conclusion, affirm their work. If you disagree with their conclusion, wait 24 hours (more later as to why), pray and say something like, “I’ve been really thinking about what you said yesterday. I can see why you believe….. What do you think about…?”

•DECIDING - This person is like concrete that is “almost right”; the ingredients are just about balanced and mixing is consistent. They are doing the work of thinking, reflecting and maybe even wrestling with their beliefs about God and life, but have not really arrived at a conviction yet. This is a great and natural place for your students to be. This is the season of life, especially in college, when many students are putting together and re-working their beliefs.

What does this student need? Ask them what they think: “It sounds like you are not sure what you think about ______________. I’d love to hear what you’re thinking about.” If they open up, thank them for confiding in you and affirm them in their work of sorting out what they believe. Let them know you’re available if they have questions.

•DRIFTING - This person is like cement that’s too wet; it doesn't set up. They really aren’t interested in doing much thinking or reflecting about God and life and aren't really trying to develop convictions. The are “going with the flow” and letting others around them influence what they think and how they act. They are being defined by others. There is a good number of our students in this state of the process.

What does this student need? Ask them what they think: “I haven’t seen you around much lately. What are you thinking these days about your relationship with God?” Give them a chance to be honest with you, but be careful not to judge or correct them, just listen for now.

•DECLARED - This person is like cement that’s too dry; it's too rigid. They are articulate and even passionate in declaring what they've been taught, but have not done very much thinking or reflecting about what they believe. They haven’t wrestled with their beliefs much to arrive at their own convictions. This group is small numerically and honestly, are hard to differentiate from the DECIDED group because their belief is more out of compliance than conviction.

What does this student need? Ask them what they think: “You seem pretty convinced of ____________. Why do you believe that?” If their answers seem simplistic or not well thought through, pose a question an unbeliever might have on the topic and see how they respond. Your goal is to get them to think and own their belief from their own research or process.

What state of the “hardening process” would you say your students are in? When I teach this content to high school students in my seminars I always give them the opportunity to assess what quadrant they think they are in. Maybe you can help your students do the same.

*(Thanks to developmental psychologist James Marcia for his work on adolescent identity formation which provided the initial framework for my ideas.)

What Our Students Can Learn About Christian Maturity From a Clown

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:08:19 GMT

So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming.
Ephesians 4:11-14

God wants us to grow up and become mature. He wants us to be adults in our faith. Moving from adolescence to adulthood, however, will require the courage of a clown.

My favorite line from this video is, “Homey may be a clown, but he don’t make a fool out of his self.” Homey is definitely not afraid to say “no”. Our students will need Homey’s kind of courage if they are to become adults in their faith. Christian counselor and author Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book Changes That Heal, talks about becoming an adult:

“Everyone who has ever lived has encountered a particular problem: being born a little person in a big person’s world and being given the task of becoming a big person over time. We are all born children under adult authority, and over time we are to become authorities oursleves and be in charge of our lives.”

To become adult authorities our students will need three kinds of courage.

1.    The courage to distinguish themselves from other authorities.

In college students face three competing authorities: their professors, their peers and their parents. Authorities want to influence what they do and think, which can be both good and bad. What our students need is the awareness and ability to stand on their own feet and become their own authority in the face of others. And to do that they will need a particular expression of courage.

2.    The courage to say “I disagree” or “No thank you” to other authorities.

The journey our kids are on is the road to Adulthood. God wants them to have more and more authority in their lives and to do that they will need to exercise their Disagreement Muscles. Again, hear from Dr. Cloud:

“Parents and other authority figures don’t belong on pedestals. Be aware of their strengths and weaknesses as well as the ways that you disagree with what they believe and think. Make sure you have freedom of thought and do not make yourself ‘bad’ for your opinions. Disagreement is healthy – ‘iron sharpens iron.’”

As student stumble through learning this new skill they’ll need to remember one thing. Disagreeing with others involves taking into consideration what they say and how they feel, but showing the courage to express a different opinion. Disagreeing with others should be done in a respectful, not rebellious manner.

3.    Courage to be different when they feel the disappointment from other authorities.

In some situations as soon as a student tries to politely disagree or say no (like declining to go to a party) they’ll hear the same ol’ chorus: “Oh come on. EVERYBODY is going…” What is happening at that moment is a mini Sumo Wrestling throw down, without the XXXXXL diapers. One authority feels challenged and is challenging right back. Learning to anticipate the disappointment of others and not be swayed by it is a valuable skill for our kids to learn.

What are some ways you can encourage courage in your students? Do they have the freedom to disagree with you, or do you think they’re afraid to not give you the right answer?

Help your students get in touch with their internal Homey.

What's In Your Worldview?

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 14:06:24 GMT

“We want our students to have a full-orbed Christian worldview,” the VP for a national para-church youth ministry told me. He was seeking my input on a program they were developing to help their students make a successful spiritual transition into college. “What does that mean,” I asked. “Um, that’s a good question. I’m not sure what we mean,” he said.

What's in your worldview? When most of us think of a Christian worldview we usually mean a philosophical or moral understanding of why the Christian faith is true. It is an intellectual grasp of our faith. It's brainy. Is this kind of Christian worldview an important part of pre-graduation counseling for our high school seniors before they head to college? Absolutely. Is it the Silver Bullet against a secular university? Absolutely not.

In all my years of campus ministry I have never met a student who walked away from Christ simply because they had a Marxist-Leninist Lesbian professor who argued them out of their faith.  Militarily speaking, a direct attack usually pushes an army back on their resources. So direct attacks on our faith often times get us riled up and looking for answers. And thank God there are a lot of great worldview resources available to the average student. But if you really want to defeat someone militarily, you out-flank them; you cut them off from their resources.

That’s exactly what Satan does to our students when they go to college. He attacks their hearts. First, he strips young men and women away from their external support system – church, Christian friends and family.  Second, he tempts them to extinguish that loneliness with highly pleasurable experiences – food, alcohol and sex. Once sin is committed he loads them with guilt and shame. Feeling condemned they are now cut off from themselves, which effects their willingness to seek external support. If a student is leading a double life the last place they want to be is around truly joyful Christians.  And the last thing they want to do is talk with the Lord when they feel so far from Him.

Satan is after our minds, thus we do need a strong intellectual defense of our faith. However, he actually wants our heads and our hearts, but he starts with our hearts. Does the worldview your students are developing understand how their emotions play into shaping their views? We need a worldview that respects the emotions. It needs to be hearty.

Satan is smart and knows that most of us, especially adolescents, are lead in our faith by our emotions, not our reason.  If Satan can control our hearts, our heads will naturally follow.   It’s our emotions that we feel first, the strongest and that last the longest.  Self-inflicted wounds of guilt, shame, discouragement and embarrassment do far more damage than arguments that are readily refuted.

The fabric of a Christian worldview has many threads. So, as we think of strengthening our students’ understanding of their faith, let’s start with the topics that can create the most emotional fallout and threaten to confuse and undo their Christian experience.  There are six questions that our students need to answer for themselves, with our guidance, if our pre-graduation counseling is to truly guide our grads.

What is sex?
Why is alcohol so enticing?
Who is in charge of me?
What should I do when I sin?
Is Christian fellowship only found in church?
How should I think about the “mistakes” in the Bible?

Are Your Kids Getting Pre-Graduation Counseling?

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 16:57:30 GMT

Pastor: So how can I help you?
Guy: Um, we just got engaged.
Pastor: Oh.  I love weddings.
Gal: And we want to get some pre-marital counseling.
Pastor: Oh, you don’t need any counseling.
Gal: But there’s so much divorce these days.
Guy: Even in the church.
Pastor: Ya, I know.  That’s too bad.
Gal: Well, we were told that since getting married is such a big transition we should have someone tells us what to expect and give us some practical suggestions.
Pastor:  Nah.  Look, you’re making this too hard. Do you both love Jesus?
Both: Yes.
Pastor: Do you both read your Bibles?
Gal: Well, we try to.
Guy: I get bogged down in Leviticus.
Pastor: Hey, who doesn’t?  Look, if you love Jesus and read your Bibles you’ll be fine.  So, where are you going on your honeymoon?

We would never want our kids to get that kind of pre-marital advice.  But it’s the kind of non-advice about college our kids can get when they graduate from high school.  “Make sure to get plugged in somewhere” is the message most seniors hear before heading off to college, but most adults and students don’t have a clue as to why that piece of advice will be so hard to carry out.

According to the College Transition Project conducted by Fuller Seminary, the high school grads they interviewed wished their leaders had done a better job preparing them to tackle the tough issues they faced after they picked up their high school diplomas.

The Road Ahead
In a study by Lifeway Research, 70% of young adults ages 23-30 stopped attending church regularly for atleast a year between ages 18-22.  Of those, 25% said, "I moved to college and stopped attending church".

According to UCLA’s Higher Education Research Institute, among incoming freshmen, 44% said they frequently attend religious services, but by the end of their junior year, that was down to 25%.

Navigating the college environment is critical for a Christian student’s faith.  The college years can be some of the most exciting, fulfilling, and faith-shaping, or some of the most destructive - personally and spiritually - that will take students a long time from which to recover.

LIke marriage, going to college is the first major transition our kids will face after graduation.  And like the couple above, our grads are not getting the pre-graduation counseling they need. The first step in helping our students make a successful spiritual transition into college is for us, the caring adults in their lives, to develop our pre-graduation counseling skills.

How much pre-graduation counseling did you get before you went to college?
	"Get plugged into a church."
	"Get plugged into an on-campus Christian fellowship."
	"Don't go to any parties."
	"Don't drink alcohol."
	"Stay sexually pure."
	"Be on your guard for secular professors."
	"Read your bible and pray every day."
	All of the above
	None of the above

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